Starting Again

Relationships and Starting Again

Sometimes you have no choice in the ending of a relationship.

Your partner leaves you, or dies, or your safety or the safety of others are affected, or your sense of self is destroyed, and you have to struggle to come to terms with what has happened.

But, in many cases the ending can be more drawn out. It can take years of uncertainty, a see-saw time during which sometimes you feel everything is and will be alright, followed by times of despair.

Although it is usually one of you who takes the initiative to end the relationship, in most cases both of you will have suffered the disappointments and sadness of a partnership that is not working.

Surveys of people who have gone on to marry more than once show that many people wish they were still with their original partners, and some of these were the people who made the decision to leave. How can this be when they must have been very unhappy to have left in the first place?

Before you start other relationships, it is helpful to have a fresh look at the patterns that have dominated your past relationships. It is easier to challenge these patterns when you are single, and before you become engulfed in the strong emotions of love and passion that usually accompany the start of a new relationship.

These patterns may include long held beliefs about men, women . and relationships, as well as behaviour you believe to be appropriate, when perhaps it was not. This also includes the way we respond when emotions are highly charged- specifically when we are angry or distressed.

Many of our ideas may be so deeply rooted in us that we have no idea that we hold onto them. Or we are so convinced that they are true that it never occurs to you that people might think differently or have another ideas.

But, what these ideas may do is create a pattern for a relationship, even before it starts properly. Rather than learning about the individuality of your partner, you often “expect” certain behaviour and reactions. This can have unfortunate results. you might ignore the aspects of your partner that does not fit with your pre-conceived ideas. Or might be disappointed or outraged when your partner behaves differently from what you expect.

Challenging these patterns means working out where they came from, and deciding whether you think they are valid, if you have learnt to respond in a way that is truly yours? If, not you can start the process of changing them.

Although changing is easier said than done, by putting these changes in motion whilst you are single gives you a real opportunity of starting well in your new relationship.

We all deserve a happy, healthy,and fulfilling relationship!